The Socially Anxious Man’s Guide to Online Dating Part I: The Art of Making First Contact

Your first message is the greatest opportunity you have in the online dating world. The majority of men don’t get contacted by women. It is up to us to make the first move which places the ball in our court and that is an advantage for men with anxiety with Social Anxiety.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts when sending your first message to a potential date:

1.Narrow Your Search.

Think about the attributes of the woman you want to get to know. Make a list of everything that you want in that girl. See if you can extract any key words from that list. Things that are likely to be in her profile. For example, if you like woman who are active and outdoorsy, you could use key words such as hiking, cycling and swimming. If you would like to try dating someone who speaks second languages, you could filter for that language.

Put some extra thought into why you want these attributes. What is it that you like about them? In the previous 2 examples, if you like being outdoors and learning languages, what is it about those 2 things that appeal to you?

For the outdoors part, you might like the fact that being outdoors usually comes with a bit of sunshine and exercise which can make you lean, healthy and happy. Or you may like the sense of accomplishment you get from scaling a mountain or running 10 miles and not giving up.

For the language part, it may also be the challenge or it could be that you’re a sucker for academics or even that it’s not the language at all. Instead, it’s the cultural experience you get from being able to speak with locals.

If you have kids, consider searching for women that already have kids as well. This will give you common ground and also increase the chances of flexibility about the decision to have more kids. A women who is approaching or past her 30’s and doesn’t have kids may be thinking about having them soon. Understanding why you are seeking what you are seeking will help you to get a better picture of the person you are looking for.

2. Read Her Profile Very Carefully.

Take mental or written notes about key details. When you write her, your message has to be for her and about her. Your message must make her feel special by letting her know that not only did you take the time to thoroughly read her writing, but that you like what she wrote. The single most powerful thing you can do in your first message is tie a joke together with something in her profile. A good joke, by itself, increases your chances by a factor of a million.

3. Make Her Feel Attractive.

Everyone loves to feel good about themselves but there’s a way to go about it. When your first message to them says how beautiful they are you are telling them that all you care about is looks. That may not make sense to a lot men but remember that an attractive woman is bombarded with a hundred messages a day from guys telling her how beautiful she is. Counter to what our man-brains might be telling us, this doesn’t make them feel good. It makes them feel cheap.

The way to make a women feel beautiful is to get to know her first. Establish rapport and then you can earn the right to tell her that she looks wonderful in that dress/skirt/shirt she’s wearing. Notice her earrings and pay her a compliment. Little things like that don’t typically amount to a hill of beans to us but what has gone on behind the scenes, that we didn’t see, is hours of meticulous shopping. A woman can be elated by finding just the right pair or earrings and when you notice that, you acknowledge all the work she’s done and you make her feel beautiful.

1. Don’t Be Literal.

If you appreciate her profile don’t say “I liked what you wrote in your profile’. If you are a nice and genuine guy who enjoys long walks on the beach, get to know her and let her judge your genuineness for herself. Don’t say “I’m a nice and genuine guy who enjoys long walks on the beach.” That puts you right back into the grey masses with the rest of the guys who are struggling.

2. Don’t Tell Her How Beautiful She Is in the First Message.

She may already know it (in which case you might want to move on anyway) or she may believe that she’s not beautiful and therefor think your approach is not genuine. Your first contact with her is not the time or place to find out if either of these things are true.

Instead, compliment her on something in one of her photos. It could be something she’s wearing or anything else in the picture.

3. Don’t Write Too Much About Yourself.

Before anyone gets to know you, they have to have a reason why you’re worth knowing about. When establishing rapport, don’t try to make them like you. Keep the conversation about them or on a topic that’s mutually appealing until they ask about you. It is good to make small comments about yourself, where appropriate but keep it in check and then go back to her.

Remember that even if you don’t get a response, that is not necessarily a rejection in the online dating world. Some women don’t check their messages or haven’t signed on in weeks. Don’t get discouraged and make sure to place more importance on quality over quantity. Do the work in the beginning and your results will improve ten-fold.

Back to Page 1                    Part II

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