Guide to Dating for the Socially Anxious Man Part II: The Charm in All of us

Within all men who are looking for the right lady, there is a charming gentlemen. No matter how shy you are, within you there is humor and charisma. It may be buried under mountains of shyness and anxiety, but it is there.

The main element to attracting a lady is making her feel good and the best way to do that is to focus on her. Try centering the conversation on her and even if you stammer or make mistakes, she will walk away feeling like you’re someone she can relate to because you took the time to understand her.

This part must be genuine. There is no reason to game anyone. Building lasting relationships is on of the most important things to improving our quality of life and that can only happen with honesty, trust and being our genuine selves.

Be very, very detail orientated.

This is one of the most crucial parts to meeting new women. They are naturally detail oriented. They don’t have to try or do anything different. Tons of information just naturally sticks in their heads.

Not like men, most of us barely pay attention to what others say. In order to make a connection with women, we have to try to close that gap and do the work to develop the ability to remember details. Specifically, the details of what they say to us.

It is very common for a woman to put you to the test and make you jump through hoops. Your job is to learn what those hoops are and here’s one of them:

Women may test to see if you remember things they say, so listen up and listen well.

Women are 10 times more keen to detail then we are. They cannot comprehend the narrow scope of our minds because they see and remember almost everything. Notice I said ‘narrow’, not small. Men, we know we’re smart, right? It’s just a different type of smart.

We are goal oriented with a laser-like focus.  We tend to do one task at a time and do that task very well. While women can do multiple things at a time and remember everything. Even if a woman is flighty and forgetful the importance that she places on detail still needs to be recognized if you hope to get to know her.

Here are 3 Techniques to Being More Detail-Oriented

1. Actively listen when she speaks.

This is not going to be the normal type of listening that we do in our daily life. You have to be taking mental notes about what she’s saying and repeating the important things to yourself in your head. 

2. Ask open-ended question and then  follow-up with more questions.

The more you let her speak, the better she’ll feel that someone is listening and the better you’ll get to know her. If a girl says she’s an art fan say “what do you like about art?” That question leaves it so open that she could really go anywhere with her answer. As opposed to you asking her “Do you like Van Gogh?” Then the answer is a yes or no and the conversation might lose momentum.

Open ended question can get her to open up. People remember more of what they say and do and not as much what others say and do. Make her feel heard and understood by listening with your whole self.

3. Make mental notes when she mentions things that she likes but do not mention anything about it.

Acknowledge what she said and move on. Keep what you learned to yourself and bring that subject back up or make references to it at a later date.

For example, if you are near a fondue place and she says she’s always wanted to try it. Don’t say “oh yeah, we ought to go sometime”. Just acknowledge what she said and keep it moving. Let some time pass, say 2 weeks or a month, and without letting her know that you remember, take her there as a surprise.

When you don’t mention anything after she says what she likes, she won’t know that you noticed. When you bring it back up, she will be surprised and absolutely delighted that you were listening after all. She’ll feel recognized, understood and appreciated.

Your goal in charming a lady is not to cover up who you are. Your goal is to get to know her and make her feel good in the process. listening shows you care and are attentive; 2 of the most important qualities a good suitor can have. Make her feel good and chances are she’ll do the same for you. It doesn’t matter if it leads to a relationship. The  worst thing that can happen is that you gain a friend.

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