Guide to Dating for the Socially Anxious Man Part VII: Understanding a Woman’s Mind

Understanding women is a monumental challenge for men with Social Anxiety. The only way any man comes to understand how to interact with women is with a ton of experience and the same is true for women. Unfortunately for socially anxious men, we often don’t come out of our shell enough to get that experience. In this guide is years of lessons I learned by trial and error that you can benefit from without learning the hard way.


When I was single, I struggled for years and years trying to figure out how to meet the right girl. I never had a steady girlfriend until I was twenty.

Being anxious is a sign of intelligence. If you’re not thinking too much, there’s nothing to be anxious about. You are hyper aware and a symptom of that, is anxiety. Being an intelligent person, you’ll want to know as much as you can about what you are going after.


You’re reading this because you’ve come to the point where you’ve realized that you’ve got to do something. You’ve listened to the same rhetoric for years. “Just give it time” “If it was meant to be, it’ll be” “There’s plenty of fish in the sea” and my favorite “you have to be okay with being alone before you can learn to live with someone”.


There’s a little truth to each one of those sayings but they’re still misleading. They give you this vision that if you wait patiently for long enough, your soulmate will magically cross your path.

Thing is, these are just things that people have told us because they want us to feel good and they don’t know what else to say but they do more harm than good.

Because of the this, people wait well into their middle age still waiting for “Mrs./Mr. Right”, when what’s really needed is to take action ourselves. To learn everything possible and to put yourself out their even when it doesn’t feel good.

Most people don’t have to educate themselves on how to socialize. It’s an automatic process we learn in our childhood.  Most people have no idea how extraordinarily complex socializing is, which is very much to their benefit. After all, when you’re aware of how complicated socializing actually is, it becomes, well… complicated.

Below are some patterns I learned about the thinking of most women I met. If you’re used to feeling outrage when people generalize… look again. This article would serve no purpose if a little generalization weren’t actually true. It would end and begin with the words “Everyone is different. The End”. Now let’s get started on bringing more understanding to your interactions with women.


3 Things to Know About Women & How They See You

 1.Women Love Novelty

Women are romantic. Seems like I’m stating the obvious but what I really mean is that they like to romanticize the idea of things. This is what’s known as novelty. We men are more instrumental. That means that we mostly focus on the utility of things and how they work. We’re more concerned with the mechanics, the nuts and bolts of an idea rather than the idea itself.

We find something that we want and we go get it. Anything else that hinders us is just an obstacle to be overcome. Women tend to be a little different.

Women are along for the ride. They enjoy the path to achieving their goal and they notice and remember every detail along the way. They are not as much concerned with hulk-smashing things that slow them down and are less likely to see those things as obstacles in the first place.

When men go into a fondue restaurant, we’re probably thinking “Man! I hope there’ll be enough food. These little morsels don’t look like much.” And “Why do I have to cook my own food? Can’t I just eat something delicious that’s already cooked? This food doesn’t really even taste good” That’s because we’re goal oriented. Our goal is to eat something that taste good and having to dip it and cook it is an obstacle. When’s the last time you saw a group of guys eating fondue ? It’s a date thing and here’s why:

What is an obstacle to us, is novelty to a woman. They love the fan-fair and extra activity that fondue adds to dinner! They are ecstatic about the path that leads to filling their bellies and aren’t just focused on filling their bellies. They want something that breaks the routine, something new, exciting, fun and interesting!

2. A Woman’s Eyes are on the Future

Many women grow up imagining their perfect wedding and in it, their perfect husband. They already know what their kids are going to look like and what type of house they want to live in. This isn’t true for all women, but if you treat it like it is true, you will get results.

If you ask a woman about this, you will get a different answer from every woman. Some may say it’s altogether untrue and that’s okay, but if you proceed as if this is the way it is, your success will go up dramatically. No need to bring it up to them.

There is a certain amount of information programmed into our DNA. This information is the most powerful driving force behind the actions of all men and women and it is almost completely hidden in our sub-conscious minds. In other words, our thoughts may say one thing, but really, our basic instincts win in the end.

Women instinctively search for a provider for their children. Whether they are aware of it or not does not matter. It is true for most women, and as a man, being aware of this is crucial.

TIP: This does not mean buying a girl a drink at a bar. You actually lose points with some women when you do this. They don’t value it, it’s not paying them a compliment and you will never be able to buy a moment of their time.

This works for men who only need an excuse to start a conversation; the kind of guy who’s very fluent in his speech, has the gift of gab and can charm the pants of a lady in 5 minutes or less. That is not our angle as shy guys.

They’ll thank you for the drink and think nothing of walking away faster than you can say “Hello, my name is…”. Some women go out for free, get into all the bars for free and drink for free just on this principle alone. I’ve known them. My advice is don’t waste your money.

Paying for dinner wins you nothing either. Do not expect that because you paid a few bucks and spent 2 hours with a girl that she’ll feel like she owes you something. She won’t and thinking that way is a strong disrespect towards her.

The way to show that you are a potential provider is by knowing your stuff and being decisive. You have to know who you are and what you’re capable of. Be good at what you do. Have hobbies that you’re good at. Women are extremely smart. They won’t be fooled by your ability to pick up the tab at dinner. They know that a man that shows energy in what he does and is good at his job is a much a better bet than a man who cares nothing about what he does.

If you think about it, women are smarter more pragmatic thinkers when it comes to love. We men don’t look into it as much. We see a hot girl and our heart beats out of our chest. We’re not usually attracted to the idea of what she might be able to provide us. A date for us is not an interview to see how well she takes care of herself and how into her job she is.

If you’re a man who’s ever had his heart broken, you know this to be true. At some point, with our little man brains being unaware, our woman (AKA: The center of the universe) stopped viewing us as her anchor and future.

There is a switch within all women. Once it goes off… it is extremely difficult to get it to switch back on.

It’s a survival thing. It’s something they evolved over eons of time so vast we can’t emagine. Many men learn through trial and error. A woman’s ‘love switch’ is turned off when the man demonstrates he’s inept at being attentive to his lady. Women are more complex and hard to understand by nature’s design. If a man is unwilling to put in the time to surmount the task of understanding her, he very likely will not be a good provider for a family and her instincts will always read this like  a book. It doesn’t get past them. They’re smart.

3. Women Are Full of Meaning.

Women look for meaning more often than men. This is not always the case for everyone but is something that’s common enough that being aware of it can be an asset in your toolbox.

Everything we do may have a great significance for her. Buying her a drink may send a message that you’re trying to buy her… while demonstrating that you’re confident, communicates that you are a man of many capabilities without buying her anything.

If your date moves on to a kiss, you can bet she’ll be analyzing that kiss in ways our little man-brains couldn’t possibly conceive. This is important to be aware of and accept it at face value. We cannot compete and trying will only hinder progress.

Instead, focus only on being a gentlemen who tries to understand her needs. Do your best and don’t think about what she might be thinking.


While understanding anyone 100%, whether man or women, is not possible. Getting to know and appreciate our differences can be a loyal ally in your journey to finding a good partner. Learn to appreciate ladies for who they are and they will appreciate you back and who doesn’t want to be appreciated for who they are?

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